I have told myself that I am above making mistakes, that I - in my own right - am immune to the disease of sin. I have told myself that I am different than other people, that I am even better than everyone else.
I have defined success as never making a mistake, as never ever failing. As living outside and apart from the norm - the daily, natural, normal human experience of brokenness.
When I do fail - which is inevitable - I usually take it into my own hands to punish myself. I never invited You in in the first place, I never asked You for Your definition of success, so why would I let You in now? I beat myself up inside because apparently there's no one else to do it...because I've decided that I deserve this (and I've made this all about "deserve"),...because shame is another way I hide.
Shame is yet another one of my hiding mechanisms.
Truth be told...it scares the living daylights out of me to picture myself standing before You just as I am. Or standing before other people just as I am. How will You look at me? How will they look at me? With disgust? With contempt? With shock...with horror?
How will I look at me?
Because (truth be told)...grace is a foreign concept to me.
Even after all these years of Bible reading and church going and everything else...somehow I still don't get it.
If I really believed what I say I believe, I would be humbled by the gravity of my sin...and awed by the weight of Your Love that overwhelms and outdoes all of my sin. Instead I either belittle my sin or punish myself for it, thinking that that will somehow produce the kind of righteousness I'm looking for.
It's time to stop seeing me through my eyes...and start seeing me through Your eyes. You are the One who tells me who I am. You are the Voice of truth.
The truth is - You are the only One who can make me right with You.
But I still show up as if I can rely on myself. I still act like I can earn my own way to Heaven. I still live like You don't love me.
I live a lie. I live in pride, I live in my flesh.
I live as if Christ's death means nothing to me...as if I don't need it...as if I am exempt from what everyone else needs.
And yet I still want all the benefits of a relationship with You.
But even here in this place, You find me.
You gently pick up the jagged broken pieces of my heart with Your hands - Your beautiful, already scarred hands - and You cradle me in Your arms. You hold me and show me that that I am seen...that I am known....and that I am loved.
I can breathe deeply of grace.
I can drink deeply - with joy - from the wells of salvation. (Isaiah 12:3)
I can finally let go of fear and be released from shame.
After all, Your Love is greater.
Your Love is uncontrollable.
Yes, let this perfectly freeing thought overtake me! I cannot control You. (how could I believe otherwise? and yet, I have...) No matter what I do - or don't do - I cannot change Your mind about me. I can never ever alter Your Love for me.
It is perfect and true. Ever-faithful. Everlasting. Faithful to the end. Pure and eternal. Lasting beyond life. Stretching beyond where my eyes can see...stretching beyond my own finite comprehension.
Disowning this truth only leads to death and destruction - of us: our relationship and who I actually am.
No good can ever come from living a lie.
So here I am, Lord. Take and use me. Teach me of Your Love. Open my eyes and set me free. I am Yours.
I find that I'm safe and warm in Your loving arms.
You see me
And know me
And love me
Through and through
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y7h6K13z0I