A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
-Steven Curtis Chapman
Just contemplating these words and thinking, "how has everything changed since love has taken me in?" There are struggles in my life that I think should be done away with by now. I've fought fear in one circumstance only to find it pop up again in another situation. I've battled pride, but still, I'm so self-conscious about every single thing people see I do. I still act like God doesn't love me. So sometimes, I have to remind myself, what has changed? How has Love changed me?
These things came to mind tonight:
-Teaching - I love teaching piano (and violin). But it isn't easy. I'm building my studio from the ground up, learning how to relate with students of all different levels and personalties, figuring out the scheduling and business side of this career. But every week I'm learning and growing. Even when I feel afraid and inadequate, I'm doing it anyway and learning to lean on God all the way through. That's evidence of His work in me.
-Singleness - learning to put my hope in God, not in any circumstance. Wrestling...letting go of control...loving with no guarantee...
-China - I made a decision to go before I worked out all the details in my mind. In the process, I learned to have peace in decision-making. (So excited!!)
-Small group - A few days ago, one of our pastors asked me to facilitate a small group at church. Everyone in the group is older than me, but maybe it's a way God's teaching me to get over myself and realize that He didn't choose me because I'm "all that"? (Tonight was the first meeting...)
-Hold me close - just learning how to love, give grace, reach across differences....
-Emotional stuff - I've always been a "sensitive" person. By that, I mean I feel deeply. I wish sometimes that I could skate through life and have a natural tendency to let things go. This is hard...even this week my feelings are just going for a rollercoaster. But in my weakness, I see His strength and constancy. I learn to be led by Him, not my feelings.
Oh, I feel so far from where I want to be, from where I thought I would be by now. But I have changed by His grace, and more importantly, He has shown me more of Himself through every trial. Right now, I'll stop wishing things were different and just thank Him. He is good. Always.