God, forgive me. "It's just a..." is just another way to justify my sin against You.
How could I have gotten this far? How many times have I lied to myself? How many times have I belittled my sin as if it doesn't matter, as if it doesn't affect anyone, as if He doesn't care about the choices I make in the dark recesses of my mind?
How many times will I lie to myself until I actually believe these lies...until I become a lie: an illusion, a false image, a figment of my own imagination, so far and foreign from the truth that I cease to recognize it...that I cease to recognize Him?
"It's not just about avoiding sin; it's about setting our affections on Him."*
And I know this to be true, down in the marrow of my spirit. That when I choose to trust Him to be enough for me, it's like putting coins into a treasury - investing in our relationship. "Lord, I know You are the Desire of my heart (and "clink" go the coins)...Lord, I know that You alone satisfy me, that You alone complete me ("clink, clink")...I know that You are the Author and Creator of all my hopes and dreams and longings and I will only look to You to fulfill them..." I am choosing to put my hope and trust in Him. I am being built up in my confidence in Him. I am saying, "Yes, what You promise, You deliver. You are who You say You are."
And just like the story of the widow's mite, I may see people around me making great sacrifices, doing great things for God, like they're tossing bulging bags of gold into the treasury while I struggle to put in my two little coins...but God sees my heart.
Because in reality, each of my "little" choices to say no to temptation and instead yes to Him are actually representing a whole mindset, a whole worldview, a whole way of thinking and living, a perspective, a life I'm choosing, a path I'm deciding to follow, a person I want to become.
Perhaps my "little" choices aren't so little after all.
Maybe, just maybe this is yet another way to worship Him...another way to love Him.
...As I attest to the truth, as I live out the truth that yes, He is my Lord and Savior, that yes, He did free me from darkness, shame, lies, and strongholds and into freedom, wholeness, healing, and light, that yes, He is the God that He says He is, that yes, He is worth the cost, and that yes, He is the Joy and Desire of my heart and for Him and through Him and in Him alone, I will live...I will find Life Everlasting.
It is a sacrifice - of the lies I've believed, of the hope and trust and weight I've put into worthless things - but just as Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was set before Him, so I will die to myself and anticipate the joy I'll find in Him.
It's just another way to show Him my love and for me to rediscover His love for me.
I'll be waiting, concentrating on what I love
It will not fall
It's a heart love affair with the world
I will not conform
Because I saw that You're calling us home
And we're not alone
-Matthew Mole, Free and Untorn
*Ezekiel Azonwu (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNK1RX6vZD4)