Let’s just take a step back. Zoom out and look at all these moments turned into minutes...all these minutes turned into hours...all these hours into days...days into weeks...weeks into years.
We’re in the double-digits now, aren’t we?
Since that night. Oh that wondrous night.
I remember it all so clearly. Me not sure I would even go to youth group that night. The big group, the noise...it didn’t really appeal to me. But since she was going, alright, well I guess I’ll go too.
But then that song. That song during which You reached down and made me to believe – perhaps for the first time – that this love, Your love was...and still is...really for me. That the cross, the nails, the floggings and beatings...it was all done for my sake. You did it...simply because You loved me.
And I remember. Falling to my knees...sobbing...letting those tears roll down my cheeks...because what kind of God does this?! Who could possibly do this for me?? How could anyone??
And I remember. The thunder and lightning. On a night in June, no less! Like the whole heavens were rejoicing for me… For us.
Truth is, I didn’t know what I was getting into.
I really had NO idea.
If I had known...perhaps I would have taken a faltering step back...if I had known all the pain and turmoil...all that it would cost through the years (and I still don’t know what lies ahead of me...oh and sometimes it pains and scares me to imagine what might be up ahead...but You’ll be there for me all the way, right?), I might have just crawled back into the “safe” life I had known...just going to church and doing all the “right” things and at least just measuring up to people’s standards which isn’t actually too hard if you just put up a facade and walk around carefully…
But Lord, You know this...it’s been worth it. So incredibly, unimaginably...worth it.
Everything that I have experienced thus far...all the pain, all the tears, all the sleepless nights...all the sacrifices, all the costs involved...everything...it’s been all worth it to taste more of You.
To just get a greater, deeper look into Your heart for me.
I could never have known or imagined that.
I could never have had any idea of what I was getting myself into.
I can only truly just take one faltering step after another faltering step...towards You. Towards Your everlasting heart of Love.
And it’s only by Your grace. By Your grace, You hold me up and make me even able to stand. Let alone take one step after another.
And it’s all led to this:
To forgiving people who have wronged me.
To compassion and kindness for the ones who slander Your Name and turn and seem to attack me.
To patience and longsuffering.
To giving of myself, to pouring myself out when I don’t even feel like I have anything left to give.
To joy in painful circumstances.
To hope in despairing circumstances.
To peace in stressful and trying circumstances.
To courage and to risk. To being able to step out of my comfort zone in ways I never thought I could.
To growing – just starting to grow – into the person that I want and need to be.
Towards an ETERNITY with You. (Oh that day when I shall finally see Your face!)
This, Lord. This is what You’ve called me into.
And may it just keep getting better and better than this.
Until that day when I shall see You face to face...and all the days ever after when I will live forever in the light of Your presence.