I'm done letting you trample on me.
I'm done letting you steal away my words...dismiss my deepest hurts like vapor and then turn around and slice and dice me.
I'm done letting myself feel squashed...squelched...dominated...silenced....worthless.
I'm done letting you have the final say.
I'm done letting you blame the ones I love...the ones who love you, too.
I'm done letting you make me feel dirty and ugly because I have convictions I feel strongly about and want to stand by.
I'm don't letting you ridicule and mock me.
I'm done letting you determine my worth.
I'm done letting you tell me that I need to change or conform to fit your whims and desires for me.
I'm done trying to get you to like me.
I'm done watching you pick your favorite people (yes, only those who tell you that you can do no wrong and all this is everyone else's fault) and favor them over me, at the expense of our relationship.
I'm done listening to you say how much you value and support me...and then watching as your actions speak just the opposite.
I'm done being "quiet, little Allison." (That's not who I am...but do you even know who I am anymore?)
I'm done letting you lie to me.
I've wanted to scream at you from the top of my lungs: "STOP!!! Stop it!! Just stop. Listen to me. Stop defending yourself long enough to digest what I'm saying to you."
But I know now that it wouldn't be enough. Even if you did screech to a halt...even if you did realize the destruction along your path and you stopped right here, right now...only forgiveness would ever set us free. Both you and me.
And I have forgiven you.
So I guess it's time to thank God for this beautiful tragedy - this hurt and pain that led me here, to finding out who I really am.
Because of you...I know what it feels like to have no voice. And so because of you, I've worked to find my voice. It hasn't come easily...and so that's what makes me value my voice. That's what makes me realize what a gift it is to even have a voice at all.
Because of you...I am perhaps far more introspective than I would have been otherwise. I measure my words. I take my time (yes, sometimes too much time), formulating my feelings into thoughts and my thoughts into words. I have a deeper, richer internal world and relationship with my Creator than perhaps I would have had otherwise.
Because of you...I've developed music and writing as my outlets of expression, creativity, and communication. Who knows what other means of communication I will discover along the way?
Because of you...I've fought for my courage and confidence. I've fought long and hard for my identity and I'm still in the process of discovering who I am day by day. I know that I'm not anyone's equal or peer based on my human talents, strengths, or abilities. Instead, I am the equal and peer of each person I meet because of the innate worth and value that God has given me, because of His authority that He has bestowed upon me.
Because of you...I'm rising up, with the courage and strength of a lion, to raise others up and to give them the courage to find their voices too.
Because of you...I know what bondage feels like...and now I know what freedom feels like too.
Because of you...I value things like authenticity and honesty, sacrifice and hard work when it comes to relationships. Because of you...I am learning how to love...and how to forgive.
And now I am letting go.
Not because I'm giving up on you.
It's not due to any bitterness or resentment towards you. Though I may struggle at times and have to choose to forgive you again...bitterness is not the reason here.
It's not because I'm giving up hope that the end will turn out better than the beginning. No, I believe that redemption will always have the final word, even if it doesn't look like what I expect.
I'm letting go...simply because this is the next right thing to do.
Because in time, clenching onto things that are already dying only serves to stunt growth.
I'm not growing in this place anymore and I'm called to go elsewhere - to invest time and effort in other places.
This is the hard, simple truth of the matter. The reality that I haven't wanted to face...the reality I've been fighting against in the past weeks.
I know now that in the end, it would prove harder to stay. It would become detrimental, even destructive for me to just grit my teeth, clench my fists, and endeavor to just try harder. To hold onto these leftover scraps of a so-called "relationship" would just get in the way of who you're becoming and who I want to become.
It would just end up hurting us both.
And so I release. I surrender. I let go.
Trusting that somehow, someday, somewhere down the road, we will both see clearer and love each other better.
I'm not saying goodbye to you. But I am saying goodbye to the old me and the worn-out ways I've been reacting to you.
That relationship, that old way of interacting is over and done with.
Hello to the new...