Sometimes, love can feel like a piercing. Like an arrow to the heart.
But it was exactly what I needed that day. I was nearing the end of my college education and as I looked back on all the weeks and months I had spent on campus, God pointed out to me the one thing I had missed: loving people. At times I had certainly procrastinated and perhaps made some lower grades than I was capable of... I could have been involved in more clubs, maybe initiated some events and opportunities that would have looked good on a resume. But all that was nothing compared to the one thing that I had been called to do from the beginning: to invest in people. To take my head out of my books and actually start reading the living stories all around me.
I could say I was "shy," "nervous," or "afraid." But the truth is, I was selfish. Yes, I was scared...to risk for the sake of another. I was terrified to risk my false image. What if I came across as awkward? What if so-and-so didn't like or accept me? What if I made a fool of myself?
And so I turned away. It was all too easy. I kept myself busy. I isolated myself. I disappeared into practice rooms. I sat in my classes, hardly saying a word to anyone before or after. On easy days, I would talk to a few people. On harder days, I retreated into myself. It's not that I never reached out to other people...it's just that there were so many more opportunities I had to love people.
But God...(don't you just love that little phrase?)...He is a God of new beginnings and since the day that I was pierced by His conviction, He has invited me to join Him in loving people and He has opened up new doors for me to walk through and let His light shine through. I could tell you several stories (and I'd love to if you have the time!) just from this past year, about how He has challenged me to invest in others in a deeper way than I would have in the past. He's given me a vision of making a home someday - a place where people are blessed and embraced by His Presence. He's softened my heart in the face of great pain. He's called me to be a "mother" - someone who births spiritual life in the lives of others and tends it hopefully and patiently, waiting for the day when it will grow into maturity and bless others. He's given me opportunity after opportunity to invest in people - my students, senior center residents, my coworkers, my church body, and now too at an organization designed to build up, encourage, and speak life.
And all this He's done because He loves me. When I pour into others, His love comes alive in me and I realize how His Spirit has been dwelling in me all along. It's actually been one of the most wonderful things I've found as I've transitioned from college into the work world: when I'm having a tough day, I am still called to give (often in the form of teaching or performing) and that's where I find joy.
In my Bible study group, we've been looking at Jesus' parables. And I saw the parable of the talents in a whole new light as a couple of us started wondering, "what if the talents represent relationships or people God has placed in our lives? What if that's the treasure He's entrusted to us?" And when I considered the statement "enter into the joy of your master," my heart jumped a little because that's what God is inviting us into: His joy. As a father or mother celebrates their child's first steps and every single milestone throughout their child's life, so too our Heavenly Father is filled with joy as we learn to walk in the new life He's given us. Then we also invest in people and watch as new life springs forth, and we get to enter into His joy with Him. Us and Him, united in joy as hearts are reconciled to Him and made ever new.
There will, of course, be tears and pain, frustration and loss of hope along the way. There may be times when we see no new growth. Or even a whole lifetime of wondering if our effort was worth it. But He holds us through the long nights and He who is both Hope and Love sustains us and produces a hundredfold from the seeds we placed in the ground.
For me, the greatest miracle has been seeing my heart transformed. Even after all these years of church-going and Bible studies and thinking I know how to pray....I've realized that I don't really know how to love. But this once hard, cold, closed-up heart is becoming soft and open in the arms of my Father. And I won't ever be the same again.
Well it's always worth the tears that fall
And they're gonna come if I love at all
I won't play it safe, play it safe, play it safe
I won't hide away, hide away, hide away
I can't live that way
-Alanna Boudreau