A thousand more times "yes"...
And I will say it again...yes to You.
For You, with Your arms outstretched on that cross, said yes to me. All of You...Your whole self. There was no holding back. No, none at all. Your Love - for me - was too great for You to hold anything, ANYTHING back...and so You gave Yourself, wholly, entirely, to me.
Amidst the scoffing, under the scourging...amidst the laughter, with the cursing, yelling, and screaming for Your blood to be spilled...with fingers pointed...at You...You died for me. For us all.
Oh Lord, how can this be?
Yet somehow, I find it all too easy to complain again...or worry yet again. As if this is the thing that gives me the right to.
As if this is the one thing too many or the one thing too big...for me to offer up my praise to You - right here, right now.
True enough, when I heard the word "cancer" coming from the other end of the line...and then again after I had moved two states away from my home and my family...I'm not about to blame myself from feeling deep parts of me sway and crumble as the tears started to rise and the fears began to rear their ugly heads...
...but isn't Your comfort and peace for times such as these? Didn't You promise to be with me here - yes, here in the shadow of death?
Death of my dreams of a safe and comfortable life...
Death of any old notion that anything - including my own health - was within my control...
And as I glance down at this beautiful quilt I'm sitting on, made by my beautiful mother, I see a square of fabric stitched into it...lilies-of-the-valley pure white against a dark blue background... And I'm reminded again: yes, beauty is also found in the valley. Right here, right now. Your beauty is found here.
The breathtaking beauty of redemption.
The beauty of beholding life as so very precious and beautiful and valuable...never meant to be wasted.
The beauty of loved ones growing closer, not despite suffering, but through it.
The beauty of You here...reaching in, leaning down, whispering, "I. love. you."
How could I have ever imagined that this would be the very place where You would intervene and show me the beauty of Your heart?
How could I have ever expected that this (and all those other hard times too) would be the place where my confidence in You would grow, where my identity would finally rest in You secure?
How could I have ever known that here, yes here, my joy would rise...that my strength and praise and worship of You would grow brighter, deeper, stronger...all the more?
For You, Lord...oh yes, You Lord...are the same yesterday, today, and forever.
And I will rise on eagles' wings.
And I will not be afraid - I will fear no evil for You are with me.
I will run and not be weary.
I will walk and not faint.
And in the midst of good news and bad...in the midst of news perhaps nobody wants...in the midst of diagnoses and tests...I will find You.
I will learn to run to You. Whether it be with tears on my face or fears raging all around me...I'll run to You. Whether it be on bright, sunny days or dark, rainy days...I will come to You.
And I will thank You, Lord. For there is so, so much to be grateful for...because You are just that good to me.
And I am learning in time that there are no prescribed rules to this, no guidebooks that tell me, or any of us, how to walk a road like this. But this I do know: to love You and to love people - that is Life.
So I'll get up each and every day - that You have so graciously given to me - to again gaze into the Light of Your Love for me...so that my heart can reflect that Love back to You and to every person I meet.
Perhaps even now it seems like a lofty idea to live this...even a "pie in the sky" ideal...but Lord, You are faithful and true and You will do this - in me and for me and through me.
Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord.
You are good to me. You are good to me. You are so, SO good to me.
I love You, Lord.
Amen.