Late spring and summer of this year was a time of rebuilding and restoration for my identity in Christ. For years and years I had believed a few core lies about myself and only dealt with the symptoms of those lies. The patterns and strongholds of the enemy had become so ingrained in me that I identified with them instead of with my true identity much more deeply than I had realized. Hiding, avoiding, and running away had become my coping mechanisms and I just couldn't imagine a life outside of that. But in a few short months, God began showing me the truth about who I am as His new creation in Christ. I am still learning to live out that truth, but I can already see that I am operating from a whole new place now.
In mid-July, my friend and I biked down the Oregon coast. Along with all the ups and downs involved with bike touring, I learned something about myself: that I am an explorer. I enjoy exploring new places, new friendships, new cultures, new ideas, etc. I realized that I had listened to the voice of fear for so long that I had believed staying and living in one place was all I ever wanted or could handle. Then around mid-August, I went to Seattle for a set of trainings with an organization that uses the arts in healing for trauma victims. I was all excited about what I would learn and possible connections and ideas I would return with, but then God did an extraordinary work in me. To be honest, it didn't feel extraordinary at the time...it just felt hard. During that five days, He was opening my heart and challenging me to love people, specifically the people of Seattle. By the time, I flew back to Sacramento, I felt a deep burden and call upon my heart to move there. No details about jobs, an internship, schooling or education...just this one call: to go to a new place in order to learn how to love people on a deeper level.
I was asked the other day how this decision was confirmed. As I look back, I think of conversations with other people, pictures and words that have come to mind, a sermon that just "happened" to be all about Jesus calling His disciples and in which the pastor just "happened" to mention his hometown of Seattle...but more than all of this, I have felt a deep assurance and confidence that this is the next step for me to continue pursuing God and that if I refused to take this step, I would never know what I had missed. I would always be left wondering what He would have done in and through me if I had simply gone and trusted Him.
It is hard for me. There has been more than one day...sheesh, more than one week when I have wanted to drag my feet or even call the whole thing off. I have come face-to-face with fear: will I make enough to live there? How can I get everything done before my move date? What about the loneliness and homesickness? I have also felt deep, deep sorrow. It is so hard to leave the people I know and love here in Sacramento. Goodbyes are hard. And yes, there's Skype and Whatsapp and Facebook and all the rest...but it certainly isn't the same as being in someone's very presence and I know that from now on, things will never be the same. The place that I've called "home" all of my life will never be quite the same. And yet...this has made me ache and long more deeply for my heavenly Home...the one that will never pass away, but always abides and waits for me to come. And this season of growth and change makes me ever more grateful for the people that God has placed in my life. I am truly blown away by the love that I have received throughout all of these years, and though I know that that love won't stop and that I'll keep in touch after I move, this is a good moment to pause, to look around and give thanks for the support and encouragement and prayers that I have received from each and every person. To those who have leaned in, encouraged me, and prayed with me through this new season, thank you. It means the world to me. Just to hear the words over and over "I'm so excited for you!" has been like fresh water to my dry and weary heart. I feel like Moses must have felt when Aaron and Hur held up his arms so that Israel could gain victory over Amalek. I am so, so thankful for the community surrounding me, cheering me on and reminding me that I am not alone and I am not, by any means, doing this alone.
To wrap this up, I'll end with something that came to me during my quiet time this morning:
Sometimes (maybe much of the time) the prayer "help me" must/does also mean "change me." Oftentimes, I can't be helped if I'm not at least willing to be changed in some way. There are certain things that are in the way....certain things that are hindering me from being helped, and though it can be a painful process, You, Lord, must pry those things out of my stubborn fists in order to offer me more of Yourself. Yes, I must give in order to receive. I must give up the lesser - and especially my hard-earned "control" and unwillingness to see what You see, to be something more than I am right now - to receive the Greatest Gift of all: You. More and more of You. Perhaps when I feel like my cries of "Lord, help me!" are just hitting the ceiling and coming back down, I need to ask You, "What are You asking of me right now? Is there anything that I need to give up in order to receive Your help?" And though I may not like the answer, there is nothing that is "too much" for You to ask of me. You who died for me, in my place, who risked and sacrificed it all for someone as unworthy as me...You are worthy of it all. You are worthy of my Everything. No sacrifice, no risk, no calling is too great. And I know that You will bless me in the going out and the coming in. I know that You will be with me the whole entire way. And isn't that enough? Isn't that quite enough for me to know? Isn't Your Love - for me and for all people - enough? Because in the end, this isn't even just about Seattle...it's You calling me into more of Yourself, deeper into Your heart in wonderful and varied ways so that I can see the many facets of who You are...so that I might know You more and invite others to come and see for themselves how great and magnificent and wondrous and amazing and full of Love You are!