I began to doubt my decision.
What if I was just making this choice on a whim? What if this doctor - with 30 years of experience, medical school, and scores of cases under his belt - knew more than I did about my health and body? And here I was making a foolish, rash decision which I would later come to regret...which might even cost me my life?
But as I sat there in the exam room, silently praying and desperately trying to find some peace amidst the chaos, three simple words appeared in my mind: "Nothing has changed."
All of a sudden, it became clear to me: this doctor, at least the seventh I had seen (I've lost track now), wasn't telling me anything new. I had heard it all before - the possible worst-case scenarios, the concerns that my cancer would recur...it was all familiar.
But even on a deeper level, nothing had changed. At every crossroads - both the big decisions and the small, daily choices - the core and heart of the issue was the same. Either to follow Jesus or not. I only needed to lean in and listen for His voice, trusting that because He loves me He will take care of me every step of the way.
As I pondered whether or not to continue chemotherapy, I realized that I could either live my life in "what-ifs" (What if the cancer came back? What if it spread? What if I still had cancer but it just wasn't showing up in my scans and tests?) or I could live my life in the present and base my decisions on what God had shown me and confirmed to me over and over again, believing that He would always walk beside me and take care of me, even redeeming my mistakes for His great glory and my ultimate good. Could I truly believe in His goodness?
When my mom and I walked out of that appointment, we both had to recover. It had been an emotionally draining experience, but when I look back at it, I am grateful. The doctor's intensity drove me to a place of facing the prospect of the worst-case scenario: dying from a recurrence of cancer. But as my mom and I sat in the car and talked, I found that I didn't feel afraid...I just couldn't feel afraid. I actually felt free. Free from fear because of the hope that I have in Christ. Whether I lived or died, I knew in that moment that He would always take care of me.
Now we face (and have been facing throughout this year), another "c" word. Not cancer, but co-vid.
In this blog post, I would like to probe a little deeper, ask some questions, and pose some thoughts. What I am writing may be controversial, even downright hard to read, but please know that my only intention is to inspire deeper thought and call us to action born out of love and wisdom. After all, I believe that the goal is not just to know what we should or should not do in these times, but to be people who think, make decisions, and live in wisdom, thoughtfulness, and in the assurance of God's love for us.
I have had a unique experience with co-vid and with the restrictions meant to help prevent its spread. My perspective has changed and deepened over time as I've given it careful thought and discernment.
I was still living in Seattle when we first heard the news that there had been an outbreak of co-vid at a senior center in Kirkland (a suburb east of Seattle). At the time, I was just coming out of my third round of chemo and I enjoyed a whopping two weeks of freedom (insert sarcastic tone here ;)) before we were told to quarantine ourselves and stay at home as much as possible. My immune system was compromised from chemo, plus I was working as a senior caregiver in people's homes, so I took the quarantine very seriously. I stayed at home unless I was going to work or to a doctor's appointment. I also washed my hands frequently and diligently cleaned shared surfaces in our house. I often found myself sinking into fear - either afraid that I would contract the virus myself or that I would unknowingly spread it to one of my clients. Between the fear of cancer and the fear of co-vid, there were times I felt anxious and in a state of near panic.
However, as more information came to the surface and it gradually became clear to me that no one knows everything about this virus or how it spreads, I started becoming more concerned about the freedoms we are giving up so easily and quickly. Now I want to stop for a moment and make it clear what I am saying and what I am not saying. I am *not* saying that the virus is fake or that it isn't serious or life-threatening for some people. It is a health concern. (In fact, I may have had a case of co-vid back in February. During my last round of chemo in Seattle, I got sick with a respiratory illness for three or four weeks and I had to spend almost two weeks mainly in bed, trying to recover. It was a difficult time and as my body tried to heal from the side effects of chemo as well as fight whatever sickness I had, I became depleted of most my energy and strength. Thankfully, I recovered with some help from a blood transfusion, and was able to go back to work and eventually to regular life.)
But back to my question: What have we missed in the last several months as we all have been trying to do our part in preventing the spread of this illness? (And I would argue that we should carefully consider these losses.)
- canceling and postponing events, even important occasions like weddings and funerals - not being able to share significant moments or experience our highs and lows together. Is this not a basic human need that spans every nation and country, every generation and family on the face of this earth?
- not being allowed to gather together and worship (and many are affected by this, not just Christians)
- not being with loved ones during critical health conditions and procedures (such as surgeries), and there are even people who are dying alone because their families are told they can't be in the same room with them, whether or not they might have co-vid!
- increased isolation resulting in higher cases of depression and suicide!!
All of this begs the question: if we are this concerned about how long we live, then should we not be at least that concerned about how (quality of life) and why (the reason that) we are living our lives?
None of us know how long our lives will last. We could die from co-vid. We could die from a car accident. We could die from cancer. We could die from a medical procedure gone wrong. Any time, any place, anyone. Perhaps it sounds morbid to think that way...but if we are so afraid of death, should we not try to think about the core issues that co-vid has helped bring to the surface?
Please hear me out. I don't advocate for carelessness - either in considering our own health and well-being or the health and well-being of others. But I also don't advocate for decisions made out of fear. Believe me, I have made a LOT of decisions out of fear...and those are the decisions I most regret. Fear often drives us to run, and as we run, we trample upon what matters the most. Fear is also a life or death issue. We might not see the physical effects of fear, but they are there...and they may have eternal consequences. I believe that there is a "sweet spot" where we can live neither in carelessness nor in fear. Think about it: an aggressive driver is a dangerous driver...but a nervous, timid driver can cause just as much damage. We are to be neither. We are called and equipped to be calm, yet alert. Wise and caring. How is it possible for us to live this way? Not in our own human effort. I cannot look to myself for guidance. I fall into fear or denial far too easily. The only way - and I am convinced of this - is God. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Not the fear of coronavirus. Not the fear of cancer. Not the fear of death. No...only fear of Him. Fear of Him is the beginning of wisdom because He is the only good, true, trustworthy, strong, loving Thing who is worthy of all our worship. And He gives us "not a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)
So I'm not going to tell you (at least not in this blog post) what I think about wearing or not wearing a mask...what I think about social distancing, going to church or not going to church, etc. That's for you to decide. We all have different situations - the status of our immune systems are different, the people we care for have different health situations, and the list goes on. I really don't want to tell you to do - or not do - anything. Your decisions are between you and God, and in my opinion, we've all been bossed around by way too many people who do not have the authority to make these decisions for us. I simply want to invite you to think deeper and ask questions...being open to wherever the truth may lead you.
I'd like to leave off with a few questions that may help us navigate through whatever crises we find ourselves facing. Perhaps you were nodding your head as you read this blog post...or perhaps you were shaking your head... Either way, I invite you to carefully and thoughtfully wrestle with these questions - which none of us can answer in a day, perhaps not even in a lifetime.
~What is life about?
~What is most important to you?
~What do you consider your greatest accomplishment in life?
~What kind of legacy do you want to leave?
~What kind of life are you living right now?
~What sort of story are you writing with your life?
~Who do you want to become?
And for those who are looking for a little hope and peace today...let me leave you with this one truth:
He is still God and we are still His beloved children.
Nothing has changed.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." -1 John 4:18a