There are probably people that look at my life and think, "Wow, she's so spiritual. She's sold out for God; she really loves Him." Truth is, God has put me in a few situations over the past few months that have forced me to ask myself: Am I really living for Him? Am I actually willing to give up everything for Him? Or am I trying to hold Him in one hand and the world in the other?
I don't like being tempted. I don't enjoy going through struggles. (Who does?) But I'm learning - slowly - that what satan intends for evil, God intends for good. Every time I am tempted, I am forced to make a decision: to live for God or live for myself. Every time I struggle, my heart is revealed. I have to ask myself, "Does my heart really belong to Him? If so, what does it look like to live that?"
When things fail me, people hurt me, or circumstances don't go my way, I should rejoice. Because in those moments, I see what my heart is attached to...what I'm prioritizing in my life...what I look towards to affirm my worth. God catches my attention with pain. It has to be hard or else I won't deal with the darkness inside of me. Of course, He doesn't like to see me cry, but in His Love, He is more concerned with my relationship with Him and who I'm becoming than with my comfort. He is absolutely intent on proving to me that He alone is God and He alone is the truest Lover of my soul. And that requires Him purposely demonstrating that all other things will fail. He persistently weans me off of everything else because otherwise I'll look to people, to "perfect" circumstances, to things I have, etc. to affirm me, fulfill me, and complete me. And only He can do that. My dad once told me that he has been a "surrogate" father to me. For a time, I have looked to him to be everything a father should be, but eventually I will look to God who alone is the one, true Father to all of us. In a sense, we are all surrogates to one another. For instance, I can perhaps be a good friend to someone. But Jesus is the one, true Friend and we simply hint towards Him in offering our friendship to each other. If I look to people for what only God can give, I will drain them dry and end up hurting both myself and others in the process.
There are so many things I look to for affirmation:
-grades and musical performance: I have put so much time and effort into both these things. That's great, but it's so easy for me to start thinking that if I'm successful in these areas of my life and do well in the eyes of others, then I can feel good about myself. Thankfully, as hard as it is, I've had struggles with both in the past several months and the feelings of failure have caused me to rethink what I place my identity in.
-being known and understood completely by another person: I really love that idea of someone "getting" me - 100% of me, 100% of the time. In reality, only God knows me on that level and I've got to look to Him (not a friend or mentor or anyone else) for this need.
-getting a guy's attention: Yeah, this one's especially tough. But the fact that no guy is pursuing me right now is a gift. Because I can't turn and say, "I feel loved because he thinks I'm awesome." I have to come face-to-face with God and really believe that His Love is enough. No one can tell me my worth and identity except Him. No one else was meant to. So I'm grateful for where I am. And some days I can barely say that through gritted teeth. But what I feel doesn't change the fact that He is good and knows what's best for me.
When I see these things failing me in one way or another or I see myself fail, it is the perfect place to look up and see God as my One and Only. Perfection. True joy. Completion. It's all found in Him. Him and Him alone. In the pain of seeing my idols fall, I also see His fierce Love for me more clearly. The deeper my disappointment when my idols falter (as they are bound to do), the more I realize just how attached I am to them. I'm reminded about Dagon. In 1 Samuel 5, the Ark of the Covenant is captured by the Philistines. They set it in a temple next to their idol Dagon. The next morning they wake up and find the statue has fallen on its face before the ark. What do they do? They put their idol back up. The next morning, the same thing happens. Only this time, the statue of their god is now broken. What do they do the second time? They send the ark away... How crazy, right? But isn't that what we do with our idols? When our idols fail us, we'd rather prop them back up and defend them. When God threatens our idols and shows us how attached we are to them, we tell Him to move on because we would rather cling to gods of our own making. (And just a quick note about idolatry - sometimes we may be tempted to look at the Israelites and think they were just a bunch of lunatics to craft statues and bow down to them. But what about us? We craft idols in our minds, with our imaginations, by fantasizing about people/circumstances/material things until we believe that they can compete with God and replace Him. Yeah, it's pretty messed up.)
Okay, heavy stuff...but there's good news: He doesn’t give up on us. He persistently proves His passion for us. He demonstrates His fierce Love for you and me over and over and over again. Through the pain of disappointment and loss and heartache, He insists that we see Him as our One and Only. And He is absolutely worth it.
"Cause all I know is
Everything I have means nothing
Jesus if You're not my one thing
Everything I need right now
All I need is You right now"
-Hillsong
Inspired by Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and the blog http://www.fabsharford.com/ Strongly recommend both resources - good stuff!