I wrote this first as a journal entry because I don't want this little writing to be all polished like I've got this all figured out. I just want to be real.
I think I'm finding out what people mean when they refer to God's work as "messy grace." It's not that God doesn't know what He's doing or trying to experiment until He gets it "right"...it's just that we don't get it until maybe after the fact. It seems all chaotic and confusing now, but maybe down the road next month, or year, or after we've left these fragile lives behind, we'll see His purpose and goodness.
Like these past couple years of college. They've been tough. I have wanted answers. A roadmap, thank you very much. No, actually I'm not too good with maps so a GPS will do. Anyhow, I've just wanted to know: Where will I finish college? Will I transfer? What major should I pursue? It has been a long journey, but I'm finally beginning to give it over to God.
And relationships....whoa, that's another topic entirely! Will I date? Will I marry? Who? When? Could you just tell me, God?
I swing from one extreme to the other - from aching cries to pushing all those thoughts away. But sometimes His love quiets me long enough for me to realize that yes, this too is grace. In my emptiness that I just can't ignore, He comes to me with all His fullness. He who entrusted Himself to the arms of a girl over 2,000 years ago is the same God who holds us now. And He beckons us to come - like the shepherds with their raggedy clothing and grime from the fields - into His very presence. I can thrash and cry and wonder at this life He's given me...and He can take it.
Because I think He wants us to wrestle. It's not the same as complaining. Complaining says, "I don't like this, therefore You aren't good" while wrestling says, "I may not understand, but You are good still."
After all, the best paintings look like misshapen splotches up close, but when you step back, you can see the masterpiece. The Master's piece of art.
And one day, we will all get the chance to step back. But right now, we can only just trust Him.
So here's to hope...and our God who is creating something that will take our breath away.