The past few weeks have been full of classes, performances, church events. etc. I would probably say that for the last three weeks I have wanted this semester to be over. Nothing huge and catastrophic as happened in my life lately...sometimes it can just be the day-in, day-out wear and tear of getting up every day and trying to breathe. But there are ways you can fool people into thinking you're doing okay, holding up with everything. And you can even fool yourself.
I love being with people. Spending time with classmates, college group people, family and friends? Bring it on! Yet, there are times, as an introvert, that I must "recharge" - in other words, spend time with only one person or just by myself. That need has been sorely missing in my schedule. I feel like everything and everyone is telling me to hurry, rush, do. And when that happens, I often reach a breaking point.
Yesterday that breaking point came during a final. In front of a professor and a classmate. Talk about embarrassing. And my emotional breakdowns come in the form of tears. Not cute, little sniffles...but big tears sliding down the cheeks, all the while trying to explain that this is not about the final, but about everything else.
But that classmate - Betty - I'm thankful for her. She has a big heart. She hugged me, talked with me, and reminded me that I'm not alone in all this.
And I guess that when I fail in something musical (it was a singing test), it's just a reminder that "musician" is not my identity. People know me as a pianist and violinist and it's easy to start putting my faith in that and only feel good about myself when I perform well. But God gives me a different name: "Beloved." A name that will never change because it isn't based on what I do, but on who He is.
Right now, I'm just wanting to find rest in His love again. (Prayers, please?)
After that whole incident yesterday, I came across this quote from Ann Voskamp: "Jesus, the gift, comes to give me freely through His passion what every other god forces me to get through performance." Oh yes, Lord. Thank You.